Sometimes it can be easy to forget what it was like to be single, once you say “I do.” In that light, I thought it would be fun to feature some guest posts on Wedded Wednesdays from the “other side.”

Marlys is a fellow EBC staffer, a 100% Minnesotan girl who loves God, friends, stage lighting, music, swing dancing, and plaid flannel. She and her many single roommates have a blog called “Dear Future Husbands.” It’s a fabulous read.

From Marlys …

Several months ago, I brought about 30 of my young adult friends—a mixed crowd of guys and girls who all happen to be single—to a Feed My Starving Children event at my church. I purposely did not tell them that the volunteer slot I signed us up for was the designated “singles night.”

Everyone was excited to be there together, to scoop rice and pack boxes. We entered the room and donned our hairnets. The speaker got up to the platform and said, “Welcome to Singles Night at Feed My Starving Children!”

Immediately I had all eyes on me, and I heard several whispers of disbelief at my treachery—“You brought us to a SINGLES NIGHT?!”

Yep, that went just about as expected.

I can’t say I’m speaking for all my friends, but let me share with you my own thoughts: By showing up to anything called a “singles event,” I feel super self-conscious that I am presenting myself as “on the market, desperate to be removed from it, so that’s why I’m here, and so are you. Take me!”

The label “singles event” alone screams “meat market of desperation.” At a “singles event,” I am going to be hyperaware of anyone of the opposite sex who approaches me, and likewise I have the fear that any guy I strike up a conversation with is going to think I’m only approaching him because I have a particular attraction to him. Even if it’s true that I do, I don’t want to scare him off by being too forward… but if I don’t have a particular attraction to him, I don’t want to give the impression that I do! I just can’t beat the awkwardness!

Not to mention, I have an irrational but common fear that most of the people that show up to these things are smooth-talking smarmy creepers. As much as we all want to find the right person to spend our lives with, people in my age bracket really abhor the forced interaction of “Let’s put all the singles together in one room and let them loose on each other!” Rather, we are really longing for authentic community with our peers. The post-college stage of life can be rather isolated and depressing. We need a network of friends who enjoy being together and will help each other out, whether single or married. We all have things to learn from each other’s experiences.

My group of friends is somewhat of a rarity, in that we make a point to all meet together at least once a week and make a meal, hang out, play games, jam on our instruments, and just enjoy each others’ company. And at the heart of it all, we love the Lord. He has blessed us by bringing us into this community that others our age are so desperately needing. Anyone new to the group is instantly hooked. Many have said it’s one of the few things that keeps them sane week-to-week. Hearing such comments is both flattering and alarming. Why does my house seem to be the only place where this kind of community is happening on a regular basis?

I’d say my friends and I are all pretty well-adjusted young folk. We are intelligent, creative, active individuals with a widespread array of interests and fields of expertise.

In fact, this probably describes many of the other 46 percent of all young adults (age 25-34) across the nation who have never been married. For the first time in recorded history, the number of never-married singles in this age bracket now exceeds the number of our peers who are married, according to US Census reports that were released about a month ago.

Yet, according to numerous surveys, most of these single young adults still want to get married.

So why are we all still single? Why is this a nation-wide phenomenon? And what does that have to do with the church?

There are many contributing factors to the shrinking marriage statistics—many of which occur in the home and in the media—but for the sake of everyone’s attention span, I will just focus on the church.

Throughout history, the church has played an active role in helping young men and women find their way to the altar. It was essentially a given that most people should get married, and folks in the church took it upon themselves (more or less) to make sure everyone got matched up correctly. From what I gather though, it seems that a lot of people took this to extreme measures, becoming way too nosey, gossipy, and controlling, and there has since been a huge societal backlash.

Now I fear the pendulum has swung too far the opposite way—the church community as a whole has become far too passive in the lives of young single adults. The message drilled into us, from pulpits as well as parishioners, boils down to this: “Keep waiting. Now keep waiting some more. Look how many marriages are failing; don’t marry the wrong person and become one of them. So you’d better wait even longer. Ignore your body telling you that you were biologically ready a decade ago. Don’t trust any of your feelings. Think rationally about everything, and analyze the life out of your relationships. When the magical time comes, which may well be when your hormones are dead, God will plop the right person in front of you and you won’t be able to avoid marrying them, so you’d better not do anything to interfere with that process.”

I exaggerate, of course. But only a little.

It’s no wonder so many people are scared to enter a relationship. We’ve heard enough horror stories of marriages turning sour. Way too many have experienced it vicariously through family members. Folks, this is incredibly discouraging. What we really need to hear are the success stories! We can know in our minds that God created marriage to be a beautiful model of His love that we can tangibly experience on earth, but many of us have hardly ever seen it in action.

To the common church folk: If you are reading this and you have been married at least a few years, and especially if you have gotten through some tough things with your spouse, I HIGHLY encourage you to invest in the lives of some single people. If you have something good to say about your marriage, we desperately need to hear it. Also, you have been through enough to see things about us that we are blind to. We need you to be our role models, mentors, coaches and networkers.

To church leaders everywhere: Evaluate how you are presenting your views on marriage to your congregation. How much value are you giving it? Do you often talk about what marriage can be like at its best? What are you offering to the single people who come to your church? (…Or don’t they come to your church?) I encourage you to find creative ways to get all the young single people in your congregation plugged into mentorships, to break the generational silence and get dialogue flowing.

As far as what to do in lieu of “singles events”: I’d really like to see more churches holding regular events for ALL young adults to come together and regularly engage in community-building environments. We don’t require a whole lot of structure outside of free food and some music—we just need to be around each other, without the segregation of marrieds and singles. The single people will figure out who’s taken and who’s available on their own. And our married friends can be great natural community-builders, bringing each of their friends together and introducing everyone to each other. (…with the added bonus of them acting as buffers against the creepers who escaped all the awkward singles events going on down the road.

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If you would like to link up YOUR Wedded Wednesday post below, just enter the direct URL. Then link back to this post in your post!

They say marriage is like a casserole—only the person making it knows what’s in it. So in that vein, I have invited other married folk to share their wisdom and stories for Wedded Wednesday.

Anna is a Minnesota blogger, and writes girl with blog. She tweets @anna_r.

In the past few months, my husband and I have gone through a season of joy, pain, transition, and waiting.  My husband accepted a new job. We gave notice at our out-of-state jobs, where we had lived and worked for a year. We miscarried our first baby—the one we’d been trying for for nearly two years—at 12 weeks. Three days later, we moved back to Minnesota. We’ve been living in my mom’s hallway ever since, as we continue to search for a home. We both started new jobs, and are re-integrating into our church.

To have any one of these circumstances happen would be a big deal, an adjustment, a life event. To have all of them happen within two months? That is a mountain, an ocean, a Grand Canyon sized amount of overwhelming joy, pain, transition and waiting.

Joy, as we followed God’s calling us away from our previous employment and home, and into a life in Minnesota with family and friends and new careers.

Pain, as we lost our precious baby. Lost old friends. Lost our financial security.

Transition, as we exited one chapter and entered a new one.

Waiting, on a baby. On a house. On a feeling of “settled.”

As we journey through it all, I have become increasingly thankful for marriage. To have a sounding board for each decision, each question, each wondering. To have a hand to grasp as we receive bad news. To have a partner in all things is a gift from the Lord that daily I am humbled by.

Of course we don’t always do marriage as God would have us do it! We fight. We snarl and say things we don’t mean. We disagree on how to handle really big things. We don’t pray together as often as we could. We don’t put each other before ourselves. We blame. We leave grace out of a discussion. We go shopping when we really shouldn’t… oh wait, that’s just me!

But then, in the quietness of evening after ‘one of those days’, we apologize. We dance in the kitchen to music my husband hums. We take our puppy upstairs and have family snuggles on our mattress on the floor, praying that another family member joins us soon, and dearly missing the one we never met. Sometimes we cry, sometimes we go out for ice cream, and sometimes we simply share a look. And we remember that no matter where we are, no matter what’s happening in our life, no matter what, period—we are a team. Sharing a journey. So blessed to be together.

And we are thankful. In the pain, in the joy, in the transition, even in the waiting. Thankful that God brought us together, and continues to bring us closer in this season of our life. Thankful for each other. Thankful for the One who created us.

Thankful for our marriage.