One of the things that surprised me after becoming a mother was that I thought that all of the pain and longing that I experienced during our wait and during our struggle with infertility would vanish overnight. And I was unpleasantly surprised to discover that’s not the case.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of pain was smoothed over once I crossed that invisible line between woman and mother.

But sometimes it takes me by a little bit of a shock.

It’s little things. Like when I’m on what I think is a message board for moms about parenting and the questions revolve around birth or conception.

It’s little moments when I see women who have children the same age as Harry and they’re expecting their next baby and that little green monster comes back up and I think “Why is it so hard for us? Why is this disease so unfair?”

And I think again and again of the tornado. It does not seek you out maliciously or purposefully. It strikes at random. And you don’t know what that’s like and you can never know what it’s like until the tornado comes for you.

There are things that have softened in me though. I used to not understand why women who suffered from secondary infertility couldn’t at least satsified with the child that they did have.

But I know now when you have a longing in you for children—whether it’s for your first child or your third child or your fifth child—when that longing is placed in you, nothing can placate it.

There is no fix for it. No cure for it. Your other children’s purpose in your life or your love for them is not in any way reflected in that longing.

You can still long for children even when you have them.

That is something i only learned on this side of that line.

And as we start to plan for extending our family, a lot of the pains I had to go through before Harry came home, I’m having to address again. Things like jealously. And bitterness. Things that if I don’t keep them in check, I’ll allow to grow in me.

And the thing about jealously and bitterness is they’ll choke the joy right out of your life. I don’t ever want the joy that I feel every day over being Harry’s mom to be choked out by bitterness over what I didn’t get to experience.

I’ll never know first hand the miracle of birth. For someone like me who watches home birth videos for fun; who is captivated and amazed by birth, it’s hard.

And when Harry was small those things were easier, but now that we are here again—getting ready to wait, getting ready to wonder when it will be our turn—it’s hard again.

The reprieve that I had in that first year of his life was lifted and it was lifted in almost what feels like a second.

When Harry came home I made myself a silent promise that I was not going to even think about or ponder or consider growing our family until he was a year old. Because I knew, from knowing myself for 34 years at that point, that I simply could not entertain those thoughts or I would miss it. I would miss the joy and the wonder of his first year. And I waited so long to be his mom that I wasn’t going to allow that to happen.

And there it was, mid-November, he was a  year old and—zoom—all of it back. Suddenly. When were we going to have another baby? When was our family going to grow? What were we going to do?

And being infertile is life long. It’s always there. It’s always on my mind. I’m always thinking about it. But it’s in the same way that I am always aware that I’m female. I’m always aware of my height. Of my age. It’s just part of who I am. It’s not something that plagues me, it’s just something that I am. And I think that makes people uncomfortable sometimes. But you know, that’s okay.

The only thing that can comfort me—the only thing that can save me—is Jesus.

There is no cure for this other than Christ. He won’t suddenly make me fertile and He won’t suddenly give me more children just because I want them. But what He will do is He’ll fill the cracks in my heart. And He’ll fill the empty spaces in my life and He’ll fill the empty longing in my arms.

And if I trust Him to do those things— if I allow Him to do those things —He will do them. And not only will He do them, He will do them with great joy and with great joy that I’ve asked, because that’s what He wants to do for us. He wants to invade the cracks in our lives and fill them with His love, His comfort, His presence and His strength.

If you’re hurting and lonely, if your arms are heavy with emptiness, I have to promise you that if you will just call on Him, He will fill them. He will comfort you, and you will be able to stand in the middle of the tornado, winds swirling around you, and your feet will remain firmly planted on the ground.