One of the things that surprised me after becoming a mother was that I thought that all of the pain and longing that I experienced during our wait and during our struggle with infertility would vanish overnight. And I was unpleasantly surprised to discover that’s not the case.

Don’t get me wrong, a lot of pain was smoothed over once I crossed that invisible line between woman and mother.

But sometimes it takes me by a little bit of a shock.

It’s little things. Like when I’m on what I think is a message board for moms about parenting and the questions revolve around birth or conception.

It’s little moments when I see women who have children the same age as Harry and they’re expecting their next baby and that little green monster comes back up and I think “Why is it so hard for us? Why is this disease so unfair?”

And I think again and again of the tornado. It does not seek you out maliciously or purposefully. It strikes at random. And you don’t know what that’s like and you can never know what it’s like until the tornado comes for you.

There are things that have softened in me though. I used to not understand why women who suffered from secondary infertility couldn’t at least satsified with the child that they did have.

But I know now when you have a longing in you for children—whether it’s for your first child or your third child or your fifth child—when that longing is placed in you, nothing can placate it.

There is no fix for it. No cure for it. Your other children’s purpose in your life or your love for them is not in any way reflected in that longing.

You can still long for children even when you have them.

That is something i only learned on this side of that line.

And as we start to plan for extending our family, a lot of the pains I had to go through before Harry came home, I’m having to address again. Things like jealously. And bitterness. Things that if I don’t keep them in check, I’ll allow to grow in me.

And the thing about jealously and bitterness is they’ll choke the joy right out of your life. I don’t ever want the joy that I feel every day over being Harry’s mom to be choked out by bitterness over what I didn’t get to experience.

I’ll never know first hand the miracle of birth. For someone like me who watches home birth videos for fun; who is captivated and amazed by birth, it’s hard.

And when Harry was small those things were easier, but now that we are here again—getting ready to wait, getting ready to wonder when it will be our turn—it’s hard again.

The reprieve that I had in that first year of his life was lifted and it was lifted in almost what feels like a second.

When Harry came home I made myself a silent promise that I was not going to even think about or ponder or consider growing our family until he was a year old. Because I knew, from knowing myself for 34 years at that point, that I simply could not entertain those thoughts or I would miss it. I would miss the joy and the wonder of his first year. And I waited so long to be his mom that I wasn’t going to allow that to happen.

And there it was, mid-November, he was a  year old and—zoom—all of it back. Suddenly. When were we going to have another baby? When was our family going to grow? What were we going to do?

And being infertile is life long. It’s always there. It’s always on my mind. I’m always thinking about it. But it’s in the same way that I am always aware that I’m female. I’m always aware of my height. Of my age. It’s just part of who I am. It’s not something that plagues me, it’s just something that I am. And I think that makes people uncomfortable sometimes. But you know, that’s okay.

The only thing that can comfort me—the only thing that can save me—is Jesus.

There is no cure for this other than Christ. He won’t suddenly make me fertile and He won’t suddenly give me more children just because I want them. But what He will do is He’ll fill the cracks in my heart. And He’ll fill the empty spaces in my life and He’ll fill the empty longing in my arms.

And if I trust Him to do those things— if I allow Him to do those things —He will do them. And not only will He do them, He will do them with great joy and with great joy that I’ve asked, because that’s what He wants to do for us. He wants to invade the cracks in our lives and fill them with His love, His comfort, His presence and His strength.

If you’re hurting and lonely, if your arms are heavy with emptiness, I have to promise you that if you will just call on Him, He will fill them. He will comfort you, and you will be able to stand in the middle of the tornado, winds swirling around you, and your feet will remain firmly planted on the ground.

Share on Facebook

Sweet honey,

14 months old already!

It snuck up on me. I realized, oh! It’s the 19th! You have a new cousin who was born today. The 19th is a good day to be born, I told her mama.

You are growing so much.

You can stand unassisted. Not for very long, mind you. But you can. You are cruising all over. You love to walk through the kitchen by holding onto the cabinet fronts, and you love pushing a kitchen chair around. You think it’s so funny!

You’re such a sweet, fun little guy. So quick to laugh and smile. How did we get so lucky?

You have several words, but you don’t use them all on a regular basis. (Except, I’m sorry to say, “no no.”):
mama
dada/daddy
hi
dog (duh)
baby
book (buh)
ball (bah)
no no
uh oh
more (mo)

Signs You Know:
more
milk
water
wash hands
all done
eat
hot

Still working on please. You don’t want to do that one! I’m trying to learn more signs for food, so that you can ask for cheese or peaches or some of your other favorites.

Just in the last few days you’ve taken a renewed interest in balls. You lose your mind when you see one and you start saying “bah,” and trying to make the sign with your hand. Or you make a throwing motion with your arm. You’ve got a pretty good arm already!

You and I started taking swimming lessons this month too. It’s so fun! You still seem a little skeptical of the whole thing, but you do love the water. (You mostly just want to watch the big kids swimming.)

You are still wearing size 12-18 clothes and some 18-24. The clothes get decidedly less “babyish” at 18-24, and I’m not ready for that! I like baby clothes!

Mastered Skills (most kids can do)

• Eats with fingers — Oh my. Yes!
• Empties containers of contents — Yes. You love LOVE to pull all your toys out of the toy ottoman.
• Imitates others — Yup. Sounds and body motions both.

Emerging Skills (half of kids can do)

• Toddles well — Only when holding onto something. Not independently.
• Initiates games — Everything’s a game to you, so yes. But not in the sense that I’ve seen you start a game of pattycake or peek-a-boo or anything.
• Points to one body part when asked — Yes, but only your belly so far. Ha!
• Responds to instructions (e.g., “give me a kiss”) — Yes. I’ve started asking you to hand me your spoon when you’re done with it, instead of throwing it off the highchair.

Advanced Skills (a few kids can do)

• Uses a spoon or fork — Yes, but you’ve been doing this for months.
• Matches lids with appropriate containers — Never tried, but probably not.
• Pushes and pulls toys while walking — Yes! You love to push your walking toys,especially your Y-Bike. It moves in every direction and you’ve gotten good at maneuvering it.

I can’t wait to see what the next month will bring. Walking? More words and signs? It’s such an adventure being your mom. You make my heart sing.

We love you. Forever.

Mama

Share on Facebook

This giveaway is now closed. Winner listed below.

When we first started cloth diapering, the only local store option I knew of was way over in St. Paul. Not a terrible drive, but not terribly convenient either. But then I discovered All Things Diapers, right here in the NW metro.

I love this place!

Not only do they have a brick and mortar store in Blaine (at 12064 Central Ave NE), but for those of you outside the Twin Cities, they also have an online option at allthingsdiapers.com.

Two things I love about ATD.

1. The selection. They have every brand that we use (bumGenius, GroVia, Thirsties, Rumparooz) and lots lots more. They recently just started carrying Kawaii, for example. And if they don’t have what you’re looking for? They’ll order it for you.

Which brings me to the second thing I love about them:

2. The customer service. There is just something about a locally-owned business, isn’t there? And Martin and Patti are awesome. They do this because they believe in cloth diapers, and they want every CDing family to succeed. Questions? They’ll answer them. Problems with your system? They’ll help you figure it out. Their mission is to make cloth diapering convenient and cost effective. They post a lot of great CD tips and tricks to their blog too.

Aside from the brick and mortar store, and the online store, they also offer a diaper service. We have never used a diaper service, but I think they can be the right fit for many families, and ATD is the service that covers the most of the metro area and beyond. All the way up to almost St. Cloud! (If you have any specific questions about their diaper service, click here.)

Are you a local mom? ATD offers workshops on everything from an introduction to cloth diapers to babywearing basics. They have a weekly coffee get together every Wednesday that I would love to attend someday (/insert working mom lament here).

And in a very exciting development, ATD recently announced the formation of Minnesota’s ONLY cloth diaper donation bank.

This is a program to help families who want to use cloth diapers but can not afford them. All you need to do is bring in your WIC card and valid MN ID into the store and they will give you two days worth of cloth diapers for FREE! The donations come from ATD themselves and donations from you and me. Want to help? Drop off or mail cloth diapers and accessory donations to their store.

A couple other great things to note:

1. ATD’s Rewards Program. Get 1 point for every dollar you spend. 200 points gets you a $20 gift certificiate. 350 = $40. 500 = $60. I can personally tell you that this pretty handy.
2. Shipping is free everywhere in Minnesota and is free on orders more than $49 outside Minnesota.

And something even cooler?

If you spend $60 or more in ATD’s online store and mention These Prices in the comments section at check out, they’ll send you a FREE pocket diaper.

Who doesn’t love a free diaper? I know you do … so keep reading.

In exchange for reviewing the store, ATD offered me my choice of a cloth diaper. I chose a brand I’d never tried before — Rumparooz. I loved it so much that I went back almost immediately and bought another one.

There are many things to love about it, but for starters, how great is it that they make fun prints for boys? More boy prints, please, cloth diaper makers!

But one of the great bonuses of the RAR is the inner leg gussets. Not a leak yet.

The inside is 100% hypo-allergenic soft micro-chamois. It’s so so soft and 100% Harry approved.

He’s like, hey, fire trucks!

Come on, is there a cuter fluffy butt?

Want to win a Rumpraooz of your very own from All Things Diapers?

It’s easy to enter. Just leave a comment below telling me your favorite Rumparooz print or color, and you’re entered! (Check them all out here.) Comments are now closed.

Want more chances to win?

• Like All Things Diapers on Facebook. {And then come back here and leave a comment. Or if you’re already a fan, leave a comment stating that you’re a fan.}

• Like These Prices on Facebook. {And then come back here and leave a comment. Or if you’re already a fan, leave a comment stating that you’re a fan.}

Tweet the following and then come back here and post a comment with a link to your tweet:

Love ALL things #clothdiapers? Win a @rumparooz pocket diaper from All Things Diapers & @johannaprice at http://theseprices.net/?p=2914

Note: When leaving a comment, be sure you are not replying to existing comments. Reply comments are NOT logged in the overall count.

This giveaway closes on Thursday, Jan. 19, at 10 pm Minnesota time. Comments are now closed.

Winner will be picked via random number generator on random.org. Winner will be announced Thursday, Jan. 20.

Congratulations to commenter #2 —- Heather Brandt! Email allthingsdiapers@yahoo.com with your diaper color choice and address!

Disclosure: All Things Diapers provided the diaper for the review and for the giveaway. My opinions, however, are “price”less.

The contest is open to US residents only.

Share on Facebook

Somehow it’s already Friday night. I am snuggled up in two blankets, because I am fighting a cold, and because Minnesota finally feels like Minnesota this winter.

Last Saturday I told Aaron that all I wanted to do was vacuum … and go to Target by myself. He obliged.

Otherwise we just hung out in our PJs all day. One of my favorite ways to spend a Saturday.

I’ve jumped on the green smoothie bandwagon. They’re pretty good! We’re now using coconut water in them, which helps make them not so thick. I recommend.

On Sunday, Harry had the best seat in the house for football watching:

It was a busy week at work, but luckily, there are also plenty of runs to Caribou Coffee:

And this was my favorite pass from the devotional Jesus Calling this week. Ain’t this the truth?

Share on Facebook

I stand him on top of his changing table so that he can look in the mirror that hangs above it. When I dreamt of a nursery, of his nursery, this is what I saw in my mind’s eye. The two of us, having these moments.

His body is long and lanky now. A little bit of his baby fat remains, around his wrists and on his thighs, but he looks so much like a toddler to me now with his round belly and his toothy grin. He sways back and forth on his little feet and tilts his head, flirting with the boy in the mirror. His hair is getting so long; it flips out from behind his ear and swoops across his forehead.

The way he grins at me in the mirror is the grin I see behind my eyelids. This is how I’ll remember him, always, I tell myself.

I lean down and put my face next to his and he peers at me sideways, realizing that the mama in the mirror is the same mama who is now beside him. He laughs his throaty, wonderful giggle. Our eyes are so close they’re almost touching and he’s so close I can’t really see him. We both glance back at our reflection and play this game again and again.

Our time together is short in the evenings, but it’s so full. We unpack his school stuff, and I change into my lounge clothes. He crawls around the upstairs hallway while I put laundry in the washer (a daily talk when you cloth diaper) and get his clothes ready for the next day. I stuff his nighttime diaper and lay out his PJs before we head back downstairs for dinner. And then it’s dinner followed by bath or washing up, PJs then books then bed.

But this moment, after his bath but before his PJs, when we make faces at each other in the mirror, and he gets steadier and steadier on his feet as the days pass, these are my favorite moments.

They belong to us.

Share on Facebook

I can’t believe New Year’s was less than a week ago. It feels like it’s been 2012 for awhile now, right?

We spent NYE at a friend’s house with six kiddos ages 1 to 8. It was super fun, even though I still can’t believe I’m the crazy person who kept her 1 year old up till midnight. But come on, there was a balloon drop!

And of course little stinker was up at his normal time (6:30 am) on New Year’s Day.

Aaron went to the final Vikings game of the season, so Harry and I called it a stay-in-our-PJs day.

On Monday, Aaron and I both had the day off, so we just hung out at home and ran a few errands. Oh, and did some chores:

A post-lunch hairdo:

Getting ready to FaceTime with his grandparents:

His newest trick:

Today I moved from a cube into an office. With a door. I haven’t had one of those in more than two years. Fun! As I was unpacking all my frames, I realized I have … a lot.

Share on Facebook

I don’t typically make resolutions, but this year, I am.

The thing about life is that there is good and bad in every year. Some lean more heavily one way or the other, of course, but as a whole, that’s just life. You take the good, you take the bad. Right Miss Edna? (That’s a Facts of Life reference for all you youngins.)

1. Be more intentional with my time.

This is a big one. I waste a lot of time. Sometimes Aaron and I will realize it’s almost 11 pm and the kitchen is still dirty and all we’ve done is watch another rerun of Criminal Minds. (Which I hate, by the way, but he loves. Real-life crime dramas are way, way scarier to me than shows like Grimm.) I also want to continue my (pretty new) habit of reading a devotional (loving Jesus Calling) and scripture first thing every morning. When I leave my desk in the evenings, I place the book and my Bible on top of my laptop, which helps me remember to do it first thing, before I do anything else. (Otherwise, I’m likely to open my computer and get right to work, and then forget it. I can tell a real difference in my day when I spend that time in the morning versus when I don’t.)

2. Be more intentional with our money.

Like, when I bring my lunch to work, eat it. Don’t leave it in the fridge and go out to lunch. More brewed coffee, less Caribou. One of my friends said it like this:

I’ve made a pact with myself to be more mindful about spending and to repeat this mantra before spending a cent on anything: Does this satisfy any basic need for me and my family or am I just filling my life up with stuff?

And all the people said: Yes.

Also, I would go further and say: Is this a true need, or I am trying to fill something in my life that can only be filled by Jesus?

3. Take more pictures of the three of us, and of me and Harry.

I started last night:

I really loathe having my picture taken these days, because of how I look, but someday Harry isn’t going to care if I was overweight, right? He’s just going to want to see pictures of us together when he was a baby. So I just need to just DEWIT.

4. Be grateful for all things in all times.

The cure to stuffitis is gratitude. Plain and simple. And I’m going to get serious about tracking all my gifts with the 1000 Gifts app from Ann Voskamp.

5. No fear.

Anxiety isn’t something that I struggle with too much, but when I’m afraid of something, I do let it control me. There are more than 300 instances in scripture where God instructs us to not be afraid. In Isaiah 43 it says, when you go through dark waters, don’t be afraid, I am with you.

Why would I be afraid when the same power that rose Christ from the dead lives in me?

There are a lot of things that I want to write about, but I don’t, because I’m afraid. What if someone says something mean? What if someone judges me? I’m done with that.

And the big one:

6. Relearn how to eat.

Following Michael Pollen’s seven simple words: Eat food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

Aaron and I realized the other day that if we would only eat the same way we feed Harry, neither of us would struggle with our weight. So there it is: eat real food. Not too much. Mostly plants.

Are you making any resolutions this year? Or any changes in 2012?

Share on Facebook

It’s amazing to think of how much he grew and changed in 2011.

In January, before I went back to work, we had our first playdate with some of our adoption buddies:

In February we went to Atlanta for our baby shower:

Come March his little personality was really shining through.

In April he was close to sitting up:

In May he turned 6 months old, which brought lots of new, exciting changes. He could sit unassisted and the biggest, food!

June was a fun month. Summer was here. We went to the zoo, we celebrated Aaron’s 40th birthday and first Father’s Day. Summer is a fun time with a baby!

In July, we drove to Ohio and Michigan to visit family. It was so great to see him with his cousins.

There are few more beautiful places that Minnesota in August:

(I also used to think that 6 months was my favorite baby age, but 9 months was pretty awesome.)

September brought the State Fair and Sarah and Molly’s visit!

In October Grammy came to visit and we went to a farm to pick out our pumpkins!

In November Harry turned 1!

And this month we celebrated Christmas for the second time as a family of 3.

Share on Facebook

Yesterday morning, as the three of us cuddled in bed, the sun rose in the east. It cast patches of light into our room, including one tiny little square on the wall above our heads. Harry got up on his knees and touched it with his finger. Pointing at it over and over. We played a game: I’d put my hand up, so that the light was on me and off the wall, and then I’d drop my hand, allowing the patch of light to return to the wall. He’d put his little pointer finger out and point point point.

“Always find the light, Harry,” I told him.

The thing about light is that it always wins. No amount darkness in the world can overpower even the tiniest flame.

The Light came into this world so that we would not be overpowered by darkness. So that we would not be lost. So that we could see. He is the light of the world. The light that casts out all darkness.

Tonight, as you sit by your glittering tree or as you hold a little candle during a church service or as you perhaps gaze upon the stars, let your heart look upon The Light. Let Him in. To shine through you. To shine and show the world that darkness will never win. It will be consumed.

Jesus spoke to the people once more and said, “I am the light of the world. If you follow me, you won’t have to walk in darkness, because you will have the light that leads to life,” John 8:12.

Share on Facebook

(Ed: I recently discovered the blog E Myself & I from the Kelly’s Korner holiday home tour. Linking up for the first time with her “midweek confessions.” If you’re visiting from her blog, welcome! My name is Johanna, I’m mom to a 1-year-old boy, a hobby photographer, and a native Texan living in Minnesota.)

- I switched over my Facebook profile to Timeline last night, and I got sucked in for hours. It’s both very cool and embarrassing to be able to see every status update you’ve ever written.

- We sent close to 150 card this year, and even though I still have a few to address, I have hit the wall. I purposefully made the back side of the card a happy new year message just in case I didn’t get them all done. Really glad I did that now!

- Even though I don’t really need one, I am really really hoping for an iPad for Christmas. It’s to the point now where I am typically the only person in the meeting still taking notes in a notebook. And while I know that’s not a good reason, I want one just the same. (Plus I have this fantasy of how if I had one I’d be more likely to use the elliptical machine since I could stream Netflix. HAHA, right?)

- Sometimes I am sick of having a blog. Truth.

- I am burned out on the Santa vs No Santa Internet chatter.

- Even though Harry has been sleeping through the nights (most nights) since August, I still have bags or dark circles under my eyes every day. I never struggled with them pre-motherhood. Is this just how it’s going to be now?

- I have never had any desire to go to a blog conference (except for JournalCon back in ye olde days, and JournalCon 2003 was pretty awesome), but I would love to attend Blissdom ’12. Megan from SortaCrunchy  and Nish and sweet Gussy AND BA all as community leaders?? Oh my. How wonderful that would be. Why couldn’t there have been a Blissdom when I still lived within driving distance of Nashville?

- I’m sort of looking forward to going to work next week, because it’ll be quiet and I’ll be able to do the things I haven’t had time for leading up to Christmas, like file and clean my desk. (Nerd!)

Whew. I think that’s it.

Share on Facebook