We got our first letter from Harry’s birth parents on Saturday. I waited three months for word from them, so it was much anticipated.
When we got that first call from our agency on Nov. 19, they said that the birthmother wanted a closed adoption; my heart sank.
Throughout our paperwork and waiting, we prepared ourselves for an open adoption. We looked forward to meeting our future child’s biological parents, and forming a relationship with them. Closed adoptions were the only way for a long time, until the early 1980s, when adoptive parents and birth parents began staying connected through letters and pictures exchanged via agencies. There are varying degrees of openness, from families who visit on a regular basis to just occasional letters/pictures through a third party. (Typically referred to as “semi open.”)
We weren’t sure where we wanted to land on the openness spectrum, only that we wanted an open adoption. Experts agree that it’s best for the kiddos, because it gives them roots and answers those hard questions—Why was I relinquished? Who do I look like? What is my history? As someone who can spend hours on ancestry.com and who was always grilling her grandparents about their lives, I totally get this, and it’s a connection I wanted to maintain for our child.
So when we were in Utah, Harry’s birthmom [G] didn’t want to meet us. It made me sad, but I think that birth parents are the ones who should control the amount of openness until the adopted child can decide for him/herself. So instead, for the first week or so, I sent text messages and texted photos to the agency’s birthmom counselor, who was in contact with G. But all we had, and all we thought we might ever have, was the social/medical report, (which is sparse to say the least), and a cell phone picture that the agency took in the hospital of Harry and G. It wasn’t much, but it was something.
I think the birthparent factor can be the scariest part of domestic adoption. In my opinion, I believe it is often why some families choose international adoption. Of course those children have birth families, but they are rarely identified and there is even less chance of contact.
It can be scary, and as a mom, it can be intimidating. To be honest, it is still something I am working through.
It really helps to have other adoptive mom friends with open adoptions to lean on, ask questions of, learn from. My friend Allison said it perfectly:
Having the open-ish relationship with [Leslie] is a weird duality. On one hand, I am so relieved to know her and I hope we can continue to develop the relationship. On the other, she’s sometimes a mess and I want to protect MLH from that, of course. And then on the mythical third hand, very deep down inside, I occasionally feel sorry for myself that I have this barrier between myself and my child — not that it’s an actual barrier, but… it’s hard to explain, but the more time goes on, the easier it is to TOTALLY FORGET that I did not give birth to MLH. I feel connected to her with a crazy ferocity. So, the fact that she has other parents out there, no matter how disconnected she is from them, is weird to me. Ultimately, I highly value the relationship with [Leslie]– it’s impossible to explain to some people, who think she should “get on with her life,” or something. I try to explain to them how important it is for me to be available to [Leslie]– just to let her know MLH is okay.
I can tell you this. I was surprised by the fierce love I have for G. and almost the protective mothering instinct I feel for her. We started praying for her before we knew who she was; actually, I started praying for my child’s birthmother a decade ago.
In her letter, she answered some of my questions and calmed my fears. She said that through most of her pregnancy, she was plagued by worry and fear. Who would watch him when she went to work? What if she ran out of food? What if she couldn’t keep him safe?
I told Aaron that it makes me feel guilt like none other that things I take for granted are the very reasons she felt like she wasn’t able to parent.
But then she went on to say that she feels blessed that she found the perfect family for Harry, and that when she saw those initial text messages and photos, a peace washed over her and she knew she made the best decision.
Hearing that from her was like a balm to my heart.
I read on a message board, from an adoptive mom that it makes her crazy when people refer to birth parents as parents, because they are not.
I could not disagree more. I believe that placing him for adoption was the ultimate act of parenting by Harry’s first mom. What is parenting if it is not putting the needs of your child ahead of your own desires?
I am Harry’s mother, because I mother him. I am mothering him. We are his parents, because we are parenting him. But G is Harry’s mother too. It’s the duality of adoption. It is what makes it complicated, what can make it hard, but what also makes it so beautiful, and what makes it a miracle.
Someday Harry will have to mourn and grieve his relinquishment and the loss of a life being raised by his biological parents. I pray that he is able to do it healthfully and that it makes him more, better, kinder, more compassionate, merciful. That he has a heart for justice and a spirit of mercy.
Life on this side of heaven is cruelly unfair. Parents divorce. Bodies get sick. People abandon us. Hearts are broken.
But if you look closely—if you stop to see— you will see how He is weaving the story of His redemption through it all. I see it. I know now that G sees it. I hope you do too.
But most of all it is my heart’s prayer that Harry sees it and that it causes him to stop and worship his Savior.
this is a beautiful post. I have no first hand experience with adoption, but I’ve often said, while looking at Jack, that I just dont know how hard it must be for some mothers to decide that it would be best for their child to be raised by someone else, but like you said…I take a lot for granted. She made an incredibly hard decision for the sake of her child, and I admire you for recognizing that and wanting her to be a part of your sons life.
You write about such a complicated relationship so beautifully. I love that you can appreciate & love Harry’s birth mother, because to me, it shows how much you love Harry. You love everything about him as a parent should, which for you includes another layer of the birth mother.
& so full of love – you can see Him through your words, simply because you emit the love that He wants us to show.
I have thought about adoption; I just don’t know if I could do it as graciously as you do. I’m notoriously bad at sharing. So, sharing my baby with a birth mom would be very difficult for me. You handle this life arrangement with such maturity.
Well the sharing thing is mostly metaphorical. After all, I don’t physically share him and I am not having to share decision making or any of that. And I’m sure most birth mothers would say that they are not sharing the children they placed.
This is a beautiful post, about the one hang-up I have with adoption. If we adopted, how would I handle the birth family and my child’s questions about where he came from? I honestly do not know. On the one hand I see your point, and on the other, the selfish side of me might not be as gracious. Do you think, if she was in the same town, that you’d be able to handle it as diplomatically? Do you think the distance helps?
I’m not sure if it helps, but it makes it different than if she were local. I have friends whose kids’ birthmoms are local and their relationships are just different than ours. Maybe easier in some aspects, harder in others.
Wow, I love this so much. I had never even thought of all those benefits to having an open adoption, and I never imagined the love and connection you could have for the birth mom. That’s wonderful.
Love it! You. Are. Beautiful. Shine girl!
This really touched me, Johanna. Redemption and grace. Adoption truly does take something heartbreaking and wrong and transform pain into beauty.
This is really beautiful. I’m so glad you heard from her.
Beautiful post. Xoxo.
Your post is quite possibly the most honest and beautiful post I have ever read on birth parents. Adoption is a complex issue, from every side of the triad. By facing the truth with honesty and compassion, I pray all of us with end up with hearts that are more merciful. Justice is for our Savior to mete out. As for me, I pray for mercy.
I too refer to Luke’s Birthparents as “parents” because they ARE his parents too. We are definitely parents in different ways, but I wouldn’t be a parent in this way if they weren’t parents in their way. Make sense? Relationships with Birthparents are ever evolving, much like any other relationship. We feel inredibly lucky to have a relationship with Luke’s BPs, for many reasons. Great post Johanna!
This is just beautiful. It’s something I’ve thought about: Would I adopt? Could I adopt? This issue is always one of the concerns at the front of my mind, but you’ve expressed it beautifully here.
I think that your prayers for Harry’s mom are such a gift. I hope she has a very blessed and happy life… look at the gift she’s given the world!
I think I have commented before. I love reading your blog and seeing your son grow up. I don’t know you personally so I don’t know how you feel about this.
I gave my daughter up for adoption. I at the time opted for an open adoption. I can visit her once a year, and I can email and have a bond with her family. My life was changed the same day theirs did, as yours did when you got Harry.
My way of coping was to shut everyone out. Focus on my life. I had no one, not a family, not a boyfriend/husband to help me cope with my feelings. Maybe that’s her way of thinking at this moment. I have yet to see my daughter in person, since giving birth, but I have recieved pictures though and sent gifts.
I really enjoyed reading this. I honestly, to be blunt with you, I thought adoptive parents thought it was easier, without birth parents in the picture. Not trying to trash talk, just my mindset. I’m glad I am able to see it on both sides.
Nikkole, I understand why you thought that, and maybe for some adoptive parents it’s true. For me, I desperately want to have a relationship with my son’s birthmom. She’s the only other person on the planet who loves him like only a mom can. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective.
Nikkole, I was the one quoted above about my daughter and her birthmom, and I have to say that even if we had no contact with Leslie, I would always think of her as being part of our lives. I can’t see how any adoptive parent could not feel the presence of the birthparents. (And I know I said it’s sometimes easy for me to forget I didn’t give birth to my child — I was trying to say that I feel extremely bonded to her — but, of course, I don’t really “forget!”)
People are complicated. Leslie goes in and out of contact with us and I let her lead it, because she has her own life to lead. I respect whatever amount of contact she wants to have. The important thing is that she’s available, in any capacity. I want MLH to know she was loved from the moment she was born and that the decision to place her was extremely complex, but ultimately loving.
Please know that not all birth parents are scary, messed up or desiring to be a wedge in your relationship with your child. We also deal — in our own way — with the duality of it all. (I write this less for you and more for others.) But the vast majority of us in open adoptions and those in reunion do not wish to disrupt lives, schedules, hearts or any of that day-to-day stuff of parenting.
Despite my sadness and guilt, my daughter’s mom is my daughter’s mom and I would and will not do anything to change it. Facts are facts.
I really wish people (not you, but others) would see birth parents as fallible human beings, just like adoptive parents. We all make mistakes. I don’t wish to be defined by one act in my life. I am so many more things. As is everyone else.
Keep working through your stuff — it will only do your child good. Promise.
(PS: Thank you for writing this post. I shared it on BlogHer because I think more people need to read it. Have a beautiful weekend.)
Fascinating. And I know that sounds an odd thing to say but I was adopted by my {lovely} parents in the early 80′s in a 100% closed adoption. I do not know my birth parent’s names, ages, anything about them. I have no family history and no records, at least not that I have been allowed to access, even as a woman now in my late twenties.
I guess I would still consider my birth parents as “parents,” but they are just faceless concepts at this point. Maybe someday that will change, but it is truly hard for me to even imagine. I’m pleased to hear that full-closed adoptions are falling out of favor, it’s bizarre to grow up with big holes in your past, even though my parents handled it beautifully and with honesty.
I love this! You have captured what I feel but can’t manage to state so eloquently.
Our adoption is semi-open. We and the agency suggested open to her but she and the BF didn’t want that. I’m like ALH in that sometimes I forget Charlie isn’t mine by birth.
I agree that first parents are parents, period. Adoption is the perfect example of true parental love – doing what you think is best (at that time) for you child, regardless of how much pain it causes. I almost decked an aquaintance at work one day for suggesting otherwise. ;P
My daughter’s birth mother is my cousin. We grew up as best friends. Almost all of my childhood memories star her. When she gave us her daughters they were 2 years old and 10 months old. Until that point we had been in contact regularly. Then suddenly the communication stopped. She called one day and asked us to take them and 14 hours later they were in our arms and she just stopped talking to us.
It’s remarkable because I know her so very well, almost every detail of who she is, except for who she was when she made that choice and really, who she is now. I can’t answer those questions for my daughters. It’s been two years and we’re just starting to find our way back to being friends and her being in their lives although she currently lives in Alaska while we’re in the midwest.
It’s strange to me because somehow I went from always thinking of them as her kids to, today, in the doctors office, when he asked me if my daughter had a family history of asthma I thought about myself and my husband before shaking a little and realizing oh. I should be thinking about those people who did actually contribute to her genetics.
Adoption is this bizarre miracle and there is absolutely no part of it that is one size fits all.
I think this is such an interesting post… and I love it! Our oldest two children are adopted, but since they are adopted through the foster care system, the whole issue of birth parent visits/communication is tricky. It’s a precarious walk…
Hannah. Thank you for sharing this.