Disappointment is part and parcel with life; there is no avoiding it. It’s how you deal with those disappointments, however, that build your character and refine who you are. When you pray for His will over your will and that prayer is answered, you have to ask yourself, did I mean that prayer? Or did I really just want what I wanted and assumed He would grant it? Is the God of my life just a genie, a wish granter or is he the almighty, unchanging GOD?
I ask myself this a lot, as you can imagine. It is very, very hard for me to pray to be pregnant without begging, so I don’t pray for it much. That’s just the truth. I don’t like begging God to give me something. I want to be content with where I am and what we have, because it is already so much. There is a saying I’ve seen around the Interent that I’m sure at one time had a source, but that saying is something like this: If I were to get not even one more thing from God, I would still owe him everything.
At one time all I wanted was to be married and to have a giant diamond and live in a big, beautiful house. I thought those worldly items would heal me and make me happy. I dated according to the world’s standards and spent money in the way the world said was okay, and I wondered when it would be my turn.
But then I fell headlong back in love with my savior and gave up my will and suddenly … it’s as if blinked and here I am, married, with diamonds on my left-hand ring finger, in a dream house, married to a dream guy, with wedding pictures hanging on our walls of a dream wedding. And I can’t remember why I was impatient, because it feels like it all happened very quickly, and I barely had to wait at all.
“Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
Aaron says to me, a lot, that “we just have to be patient,” when it comes to children in our life. “His timing is perfect,” my husband reminds me. And I will admit that I hate it when he says that, sometimes. Because there are moments when I want to stomp my feet and wail “Why me? Why us? Why are we still waiting? Why do we have to navigate the ethical grey waters of assisted reproductive technologies and make decisions about what age, what race, what special needs child we would feel able adopting?”
We watched a scene from Twister the other night, as we were channel surfing, and it was the moment where Helen Hunt says, “You haven’t seen it. You haven’t seen it come after this house but miss that house,” and I thought “That is what infertility is like.” There is no why. It hits some and misses others and there is no reason. But we’re in the tornado. It has come after us.
Every other week, Aaron and I volunteer in our church’s preschool ministry. I serve in a room with little ones who still cry when their parents drop them off, so I do a lot of rocking and cuddling and wiping faces.
A few weeks ago, a beautiful little girl with blonde pigtails came in the room inconsolable. She went and sat down in the corner next to a train table and sniffled as tears rolled down her cheeks. After a few minutes, I went over and sat down beside her. “Maisie, do you want to color? Or read a book? Or play trains with Parker?”
“No,” she hiccuped. “I don’t want do nuffing till my daddy comes back.”
And all of a sudden, it hit me that I’m her. Sometimes I choose to sit in a corner and cry and pout and do “nuffing” while I’m waiting.
A bit later, I went back over and sat down next to her. “Maisie,” I said, as I looped her blonde braid over her shoulder. “Your daddy is in church right now, and he’ll be back in a little bit. Do you want to color while you wait?” No, no, no, she cried, and again repeated that she “didn’t want to do nuffing” till he came back. So I just told her — and I told myself — either way you’re going to have to wait. Wouldn’t you rather have fun and play and laugh and enjoy this time while you’re waiting, instead of crying? Either way — you’re waiting.
After we sat in silence for a few minutes, and she let me show her pictures of the dogs on my iPhone, she got up and sat at the table to color. When her daddy came to get her, she lit up like a burst of sunshine and ran to him.
Sooner or later, the waiting always ends. So wouldn’t I rather spend this time laughing and playing and thanking my daddy for the chance to learn something new?
Trusting is hard. Especially when that tornado is coming after you. But it will pass. The sun will shine. He will grant us the desires of our heart, even if that means he places new, different desires inside us.
The waiting always ends.
infertility
Such a beautiful, beautiful post. Means a lot to me – I don’t struggle with infertility but with another situation that’s requiring a lot of trust and patience. Thank you for posting this!
I am so happy you’re writing again. This is getting a star in my Reader, so I can come back to it again and again.
your honesty is beautiful. and I really enjoy how you see God speaking to you through situations… and give him glory for doing it. praise him. jc
Beautiful…simply beautiful. Brought tears to my eyes. Brought me back to a time when I spent time “waiting on God”. I had this poem pasted to my refridgerator for years…and it always applied to my life because I spent so much time waiting…for a baby, for understanding, for healing…always waiting, but waiting in anticipation of the good things God would bring to my life. Here it is:
” I wait on God to bring to pass, all He has promised me.
And as I wait, I rest in faith in what I cannot see.
For in His way He will provide, at just the perfect time, everything that’s good and right to bless this life of mine.” ~ Roy Lessin
A Maisie will always be won over by pictures of dogs on an iPhone… true fact. Thanks for taking care of all the sweet little ones in the church nursery. We love and are so thankful for the people who take care of ours when we are in church every week!
Thank You, I really needed to read this today.
Thank you for the reminder. I’m waiting along with you, and I need to hear this over and over again.
You don’t me from . . . well, from anyone, and I’ve never commented here before. Just wanted to say hang in there, as stupid and meager as that sounds. I have been there and it so tempting to give into darkness and let infertility destroy your sanity and marriage and relationships. I do not have religion in my life the way you do, but I did notice that a certain lightness had taken over my heart and mind right before I did become pregnant with my son. That is not to say that it is all a state of mind, or that you just need to relax — I would never say that — but there was an opening, coincidence or not. Keep writing about it, and best of luck on your journey.
Thank you for the comments, everyone. I appreciate them.
This was a great post. Sometimes I wonder if our culture doesn’t breed us to want it all, NOW — and to feel like we are failing when it doesn’t happen. Whether you give birth or adopt, this will happen for you. And as a reader of your blog for the past few years, I remember your struggle with singledom, then the acceptance, and then boom, you’re married. This too will happen.
so true johanna. i always think we look like little whiney kids to Him. but he loves us regardless
i hope you are well!
i wanted to share this blog with you: a friend of mine here in atlanta. so full of faith but going through a really tough time right now with her child. i thought if you lived here, y’all would be friends.
http://www.blog.skylarmariejones.com
fantastic post. patience is the hardest thing for me to deal with….but i find that praying and asking for help from the Lord helps me so so so much!
i am such a dog lover:)
smiles,
gina
ps-i am from columbus, ohio and i love your story of how you met your hubs in a dog park!
I believe that when the time is right the Lord will deliver the perfect child to you to become a part of the Price Family. So have fun preparing to be the best parents that HE intended you to be.
I was about to comment about how much I love this post, until I realized it was an old one — and I’d already commented. Thank you, HB, for the reminder.
I needed this today. There are some things in my life right now that need a lot of patience. I’m trying SO hard to rely on the grace of God, but sometimes I just want to sit in the corner and “do nuffing” instead of trying so hard.
Thanks for sharing. May God continue to give you the strength and patience you need every day.
Well, I certainly needed to read this today. Thanks for the wise words, friend.
Thanks for writing this, HB. Like Brenda, I really, really, really needed to read this today.
We’re still not actively trying post-miscarriage yet, but that’s mostly because I’m afraid I will either not be able to get pregnant again, or will end up having the same experience as last time. I have to just relax and remember that ultimately, I’m not in charge, which is easier said than done. Thanks again for writing this, and for speaking so openly about your experience.